Build Your Self-Confidence
This is a big one. Getting involved with
someone new requires plenty of effort and attention. If your self-confidence
isn’t what is should be, the act of meeting people can become even more
difficult and opportunities may be lost. Build some self-confidence so
when the moment comes to take action, you don’t chicken out, and miss out.
If you have a major event in your past that has significantly damaged your
self-confidence, consider professional counseling or at least some self-help
books. Seriously. Even if they don’t help you win more dates, you’ll feel
more comfortable with yourself just understanding what makes you tick.
Besides, in a conversation, people would much rather hear how you overcame
your problems than hear about how they’re still holding you down.
In any case, everyone has issues; some are just more significant than
others. The only “normal” people are the ones you don’t know very well yet.
Where you can, try to leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
Draw a line in the sand, grant yourself another chance, and move on.
How to Build Yourself Up
If you feel you are generally ok, but still lack self-confidence, here’s what you do: Start a new, (preferably social) activity which is a little challenging, but one after which you’ve had some success, you know you’ll feel better about yourself for having completed the challenge. This can be as simple as organizing a charity drive at work or as challenging as taking up Karate. The goal of the activity is not to meet the opposite sex; the goal is to build your own track record of achievement. (However, don’t be surprised if you meet someone along the way.) When you prove to yourself that you are capable of more than you thought, your confidence will grow naturally. Just don’t quit, because that can have the opposite effect. As your confidence grows, you’ll become more comfortable in meeting and relating to other people.
The Voices in my Head Tell Me…
Also, be sure not to defeat your own efforts
with negative self-talk. Be careful and control that voice in your
head. Make sure you’re encouraging yourself and not making excuses or
bringing yourself down. Practice telling yourself something positive
or something you’re thankful for every day. No one needs to know that you’re
working on becoming your own best coach, and you don’t have to go overboard
with rah-rah self-affirmations, but just pay attention to what you say to
yourself. If you keep at it long enough, you’ll become a more positive
person, and that will attract people who are interested in you.
Here’s a hint by the way: if you spend your time with people enjoy
complaining and listening to you complain, get some new friends. In the long
term, you tend to become like the people you associate with. If you
hang around negative people, you’ll eventually become one too. Just sayin’.
You don’t have to dump your old friends, just realize what they could be
doing to your attitude, and protect yourself. Make positive comments.
Trustworthiness, Punctuality, and Reliability
If you’re looking for a one-nighter, these tips don’t really apply to you. But if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, remember that the other person’s going to be counting on you at some point. Maybe it’s just little things at first, but how trustworthy you are regarding the little things quickly extrapolates to all the future bigger issues that you may be faced with someday, at least in the mind of the person you’re spending time with. What else do they have to go on? Be responsible, punctual and trustworthy. That doesn’t mean you have to be serious all the time, but if you say you’re going to do something, do your very best to follow through.
Knowing what you’re looking for
Make a list of what you’re looking for in a
partner. We’re not talking about the physical traits - those are easy to
identify. We’re talking about personality traits: high-strung or laid-back,
activist or apathetic, interested in kids or not; the list can be endless.
You don’t have to write it down either. In fact if you do, but sure to burn
that sucker after you find someone to love or it could lead to some awkward
comparisons if they ever get their hands on it.
Once you have your (mental) list, you have a playbook of sorts for your
date. Nobody really likes to be interviewed though, so think of it
more as a list of topics to draw from when the conversation starts to fade.
Keep it fun, interesting and most importantly, be yourself. Also, see if you
can do more listening than talking. It shouldn’t be a one-sided
discussion for either person.
A Conversational Tip
Here’s another tip for those who may not have figured it out yet: If someone makes a comment that they firmly believe is true, but you know that it isn’t, consider letting it slide, especially if the point is trivial. Frequently, it’s better to let the other person save face and avoid embarrassment than correct their minor mistakes. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly correcting, criticizing, or demonstrating how much smarter or better they are. Besides, constantly showing how right you are can be seen as a sign of natural insecurity, and you don’t want to give the wrong impression. Sometimes it takes some strength to show restraint, but the point is to have a good time, not to prove your point.
Great Things to Discuss with Your Date:
Of course you can come up with your own list, but if you’re stumped, here are some things you could discuss on a date and see if you have similar ideas. Obviously, bigger questions like politics or family planning should be approached with caution and probably not on the first date. If the issue seems too sensitive, move on.
Places you’ve lived
Attitude towards health and lifestyle
Interest in sports
Outdoor activities
Favorite TV shows or games
Parents, siblings
Interesting friends
Favorite pets